How to get famous by Morpheus

Laurence Fishburne's daughter is trying to get famous by releasing a sex tape. She's 19 and is releasing it through Vivid. No, really. Thanks to Kim Kardashian and Paris Hilton for making this a viable means to get famous.

Hello World! This is America!

Sweet good lord, haven't there been enough of these dating shows. Let me tell you something, when you look like these people (both the men and the women) and you actually want people to believe that you can't find anybody to put up with you, well my friends, that's a hard sell. Now don't get me wrong, hot women playing Twister in bikinis is always ok, but this and "Jersey Shore," and whatever "Housewives" show is on is how we are judged. Gee, I can't figure out why other countries hate us. Wait, I have to go, it's my turn on the naked Slip N Slide! YES!

I'm going mad, hahahahahahhahaa

In the ceiling above my desk, there is an air duct, water pipe, some electrical thing, or a trapped miner making a constant buzzing-tapping noise. It sounds like a high-pitch, very fast woodpecker going in little bursts every other second. There is no rhythm. It's just err, err, err... err, err... err... err, err... errrrr... er, errr, err... err, err... errrr. Once you are fully aware of it, you can't ignore it. I'm usually in the lab away from it, but I don't know how some of the cubicle rats haven't gone crazy. I've been at my desk for all of ten minutes and I'm about to start screaming and rending my clothes. Err, err, errrrr... er er, errrr... I want to get up in the ceiling and beat whatever it is with a wrench until it buzzes no more.

A reason to go see the Green Lantern movie.

The ladies have Ryan Reynolds and apparently the guys get Blake Lively. Brrbrrbrrbrrbrr.

Pigeons hate Kings of Leon

In St Louis, pigeons living in the rafters above the stage at the Verizon Amphitheater pooped all over the members of Kings of Leon. Apparently pigeons have better taste than the crowd which probably only got into the band after the last album. Blech. The first two are still good, but the birds have it right, Kings of Leon have lost it.

Go away sun

It is 92F outside, but weather.com says it feels like 104F. That is too damn hot.

Ah beer...

There is a beer that is 55% alcohol and packaged in dead animals. It's only $765 a bottle. I want a bottle of hooch packaged in a hobo.

Jacky White covers the Beatles

Here is Jack performing by his lonesome in front of the President and Sir Paul. A bit different audience than the early days in Detroit, no?

Watch the full episode. See more In Performance at The White House.

Jon Wayne

Here's something a little strange for you:

Welcome to Oz

No one at work wants to fully acknowledge what the smell in the hall reminds them of, but it smells kinda sorta cummy. It never has before, so who knows why it does now. The nicest way I heard it described was that it smells more biological than chemical.

Walking Dead Motion Comic

They animated the beginning of the comic series. Very cool animation.

Limbo

Whether you like video games or not, this looks pretty cool:

Jennifer Aniston

She still looks good.

Arachnophobia 2: Spiders at Sea

This is a nightmare come to life. A boat comes into dock in Guam with building supplies only to have thousands of spiders swarm out while offloading. I believe I would have said something to the effect of, "eeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEE!" while prancing around like a dandy.

Maybe they could get Sam Jackson to make Spiders on a Boat.

The Walking Dead YES!

Oh man, I can't wait until this show comes on in October. The casting is fantastic as far as looks go. Go read the comics if you have some time.

Typewriter facts, BAM!

I just had my ergonomic assessment and came out of it with an adjusted workspace and some facts. It's easier to type on a negative slope, but typewriters were designed on a positive slope to slow typists down and thus reduce the amount of jamming (dum dum ditty). This positive slope on the typewriter is why computer keyboards have legs to tilt it up. So keep those legs down! Also, the QWERTY system was put on typewriters to keep jamming down too. What? That's right, Citizen Grant dropping some typewriter facts on yo head! BAM!

Penthouse bids on Playboy

The first issue under new management will have the Girls Next Door peeing on each other. Why Penthouse why? Why do you make girls pee?

Coughing

I've had a weird cough for two weeks now. Several people have told me to go to the doctor and I finally did today after none of the over the counter stuff worked (isn't this riveting so far?) I feel fine, but I have a wheeze and my doctor says I sound like crap so he gave me a bunch of meds to make me better and even more awesome. YES! Before he came in though, I was in my little room waiting for him and trying to read a book, but the walls are pretty thin. So, instead of enjoying my book, I heard him talking to an old man in the room next door. There was talk of golf, excercise, medicine, and then "Ok, time for me to check your prostate. Drop your pants, bend over onto the table, and rest on your elbows." Yep, I got the distinct pleasure of hearing some old timer get fingers jammed up his ass.

Bubbles the chimp

I saw this on MSNBC today:

La Toya claims Michael consulted surgeon ‘to make Bubbles speak’ In the early 1980s, Michael Jackson rarely made an off-stage public appearance without beloved chimpanzee Bubbles by his side. But according to La Toya Jackson, the late superstar’s sister, he hoped improved communication would one day bring him even closer to his pet pal.
“Michael always wanted to know how to make Bubbles speak and talk,” La Toya revealed in a quote published in The News of the World. “They definitely communicated. One morning Michael called me and said, ‘You got to see this — he mimics everything I do.’ So Michael starts brushing his teeth and Bubbles looks up and gets a toothbrush and starts brushing his teeth too.”
Eventually, the universal language of dental hygiene just wasn’t enough for the King of Pop and his favorite chimp.
“Then (Michael) wanted to give him vocal chords and asked doctors, ‘Can I give him an operation so that I can know what his thoughts are?’ ” La Toya recalled.
In the end, the singing legend decided the risk (and perhaps the impossible nature) of such a surgery just wasn’t worth it.

Whoa Mel!

I know I posted a link to Mel Gibson's rant on here the other day and said it wasn't so bad. I guess there's more where he admits to punching whatshernuts in the face and breaking two of her teeth. Eh, so maybe I was wrong. Somewhere Danny Glover is shaking his head.

The boys are happy

The World Cup is over. Before the game I was hoping for a Netherlands win, but after about 15minutes of watching them kick people in the chest and perform rough tackles I turned to Spain. The 3rd place game between Germany and Uruguay was fun. The game was free flowing and both teams were trying to score. The final game was ugly ugly ugly. Iniesta's goal was nice, but I expected more from both sides. At least Paul the octopus kept his streak alive.

Mel Gibson's not so terrible tirade

Here's Mel Gibson's rant. The volume is kind of low on it. While it's not the nicest stuff you'll ever here, I don't think it's quite as bad as the tabloid people want you to think it is. Sure he throws out the N word, but I think calling it a racist tirade is a bit much. He's not going off about white supremacy or anything. It's more that he's just pissed off at her for dressing like a slut and having big fake tits. Maybe sugar tits, haha. Oh Mel, you so crazy.

Say what you will about Iran,

but at least they aren't taking the fight against mullets lying down.

Among the do's that are now don'ts? The '80's Prince-style pompadour preferred by many young Iranian men, the Steven Seagal-style ponytail and the "business in the front, party in the back" sentiment of the mullet -- also popular among the Persian populace.

Now if only we could bring this law to the Rascal's Fun Zone in Whiteland. You will never see as many mullets and rat tails as you do there.

So long Paraguay

We'll miss you...

WC commercials

Is there a World Cup commercial curse? All of the commercials feature players who were supposed to be the superstars of the World Cup. Messi - out. Ronaldo - out. Rooney - out (and was he ever really there?). Robinho - out. I can't remember seeing any Dutch or German players in the commercials. Maybe I missed them, but this has been a very different tournament than what most expected. I did call Germany being the team to beat after their first match though. YES! Oh, and Fronte called either an African team or Brazil being the champions which makes me think of this:

To each his own

Scientists have found that Thomas Jefferson originally wrote the word "subjects" instead of "citizens" when drafting the Declaration of Independence. My favorite part of the article is this quote:

"This has been a very exciting development," France said, calling the findings "spine-tingling."

I tend to get excited by things like whales eating whales and boobs as you can tell from previous posts. While this is kind of neat that they can use technology to find that a smudge was actually from the erasing of a word, I'm not so sure it's really spine-tingling. However, I will say that if they had found "drinking and whoring" to have been the original phrasing for "the pursuit of Happiness," my spine may have tingled a bit. C'mon people, internet high five!